Favorite Quotations

[darkumbra]

I love quotes... they encapsulate so much in so little.

If you're stuck in a hole, step away from the shovel

[stickmangrit]

shameless copypasta time:

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain. That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic! Dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's a fucking egg, alright? I see the UFO's around it, but that's a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but goddammit that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a unicorn. But, no, th-th-th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs!

Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. 'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.' 'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.' 'Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!'

ooh, and we can't finish this post leaving my own personal hero out of it:

A word to the wise is infuriating.

America... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.

For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled.

Going to trial with a lawyer who considers your whole life-style a Crime in Progress is not a happy prospect.

I feel the same way about disco as I do about herpes.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours.

If I'd written all the truth I knew for the past ten years, about 600 people - including me - would be rotting in prison cells from Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism.

If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.

In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.

No man is so foolish but he may sometimes give another good counsel, and no man so wise that he may not easily err if he takes no other counsel than his own. He that is taught only by himself has a fool for a master.

Of all the men that have run for president in the twentieth century, only George McGovern truly understood what a monument America could be to the human race.

Politics is the art of controlling your environment.

That was always the difference between Muhammad Ali and the rest of us. He came, he saw, and if he didn't entirely conquer - he came as close as anybody we are likely to see in the lifetime of this doomed generation.

The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.

The trouble with Nixon is that he's a serious politics junkie. He's totally hooked and like any other junkie, he's a bummer to have around, especially as President.

The TV business is uglier than most things. It is normally perceived as some kind of cruel and shallow money trench through the heart of the journalism industry, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs, for no good reason.

There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye.

[NH Baritone]

I enjoy them, too. Here are some from my files.

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."
- Voltaire

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
- Buddha

"As I stood before the gates (of Auschwitz) I realized that I never want to be as certain about anything as were the people who built this place."
- Rabbi Sheila Peltz

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one."
– George Bernard Shaw

"It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong."
- Voltaire

"There is no such thing as a 'self-made' man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts."
- George Matthew Adams

"Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood-sucking creatures.'
- Unknown

"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong."
- H. L. Mencken

"A bishop keeps on saying at the age of eighty what he was told to say at the age of eighteen."
- Oscar Wilde

"The crime called blasphemy was invented by priests for the purpose of defending doctrines not able to take care of themselves."
- Robert Green Ingersoll

[whoosanightowl]

NHB wrote:

"Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood-sucking creatures.'
- Unknown

Oh so true!

[Rian]

I love quotes... they encapsulate so much in so little.

I agree!

I've always liked this one:

"Everyone dies, but not everyone has lived."

I can't find who wrote it, though, even after the almighty Googlesearch. Anyone know?

Helen Keller has some good ones:

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
~*~ Helen Keller

[JustJim]

Here are some smilers....

"Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink." -- W.C. Fields

"It is impossible to reason someone out of something that he did not reason himself into in the first place." -- Jonathan Swift

"We don’t believe in God, but we certainly believe in Christians. They’re everywhere, it seems. And while most of them are harmless, a number of them are annoying… or worse. Much worse. They bomb abortion clinics. They do their best to hinder the advancement of science and the arts. They elect candidates based not on their competency, but on whether “he prays” (and says so more often than his opponent). They try to interfere — and get laws to do it — in the sexual lives of consenting adults. They ban stem cell research and contraceptives, thus condemning millions around the world to disease and suffering, because of books written by primitive desert nomads thousands of years ago...." -- An atheist blogger, answering why, if atheists don't believe in God, they talk about him so much.

"The Bible is not my book nor Christianity my profession. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma." -- Abraham Lincoln

"All thinking men are atheists." -- Ernest Hemingway

"Faith is the commitment of one's consciousness to beliefs for which one has no sensory evidence or rational proof. A mystic is a man who treats his feelings as tools of cognition. Faith is the equation of feeling with knowledge." -- Ayn Rand

"I have found Christian dogma unintelligible. Early in life, I absenteed myself from Christian assemblies." "Lighthouses are more helpful than churches." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Driving through a Swiss city one day, (Alfred) Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!" -- Anonymous

"And the day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerve in the brain of Jupiter. But may we hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding, and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated reformer of human errors." -–Thomas Jefferson, Letter to John Adams, April 11, 1823

Jim

[JustJim]

Helen Keller has some good ones:

She certainly does. Here's one of her good ones I found!

"There is so much in the bible against which every insinct of my being rebels, so much so that I regret the necessity which has compelled me to read it through from beginning to end. I do not think that the knowledge I have gained of its history and sources compensates me for the unpleasant details it has forced upon my attention." -- Helen Keller

I guess ya lose something in the Braille version, huh?

Jim

[Rian]

I was hoping that this thread wasn't going to turn into yet another Christian slam-fest, since DU started it off so well, but I guess I was being naive and optimistic.

[Rian]

If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.
~*~ Martin Luther King, Jr.


A puritan is a person who pours righteous indignation into the wrong things.
~*~ Gilbert K. Chesterton


All conservatism is based upon the idea that if you leave things alone you leave them as they are. But you do not. If you leave a thing alone you leave it to a torrent of change.
~*~ Gilbert K. Chesterton


Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.
~*~ Gilbert K. Chesterton


Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die.
~*~ Gilbert K. Chesterton


Fable is more historical than fact, because fact tells us about one man and fable tells us about a million men.
~*~ Gilbert K. Chesterton


An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
~*~ Agatha Christie


A professor is someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
~*~ W. H. Auden


A real book is not one that we read, but one that reads us.
~*~ W. H. Auden

[whoosanightowl]

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

That's cute! If only it were true!!

[Rian]

yeah Well, the body goes, but other things compensate

[Rian]

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
~*~ Dave Barry


The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
~*~ Dave Barry


Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
Dave Barry
~*~ Dave Barry


We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
Dave Barry
~*~ Dave Barry


You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
~*~ Dave Barry


I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.

~*~ Jane Austen


Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.

~*~ Friedrich Nietzsche


A loving heart is the truest wisdom.

~*~ Charles Dickens


In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

~*~ Yogi Berra


You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

~*~ Yogi Berra

[Rian]

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

~*~ H. L. Mencken


For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.

~*~ H. L. Mencken



And for SpongeBob:

I rant, therefore I am.

~*~ Dennis Miller

[whoosanightowl]

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
~*~ Dave Barry


The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.
~*~ Dave Barry


Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
~*~ Dave Barry


We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
~*~ Dave Barry


You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
~*~ Dave Barry

Dave Barry is my absolute favorite comedian, he's so off-the-wall, unconventionally funny! Are you also a fan of his, Rian?

[NH Baritone]

In honor of his death:

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
~George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
~George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
~George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
~George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
~George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
~George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
~George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
~George Carlin

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
~George Carlin