So I just told my wife I'm an atheist ...

[joekohr]

I've been build up to this for a while. I was really hoping for some understanding, but it seems like my fears were valid. I think she wants to leave me. Well, at least I'm out.

[Keep The Reason]

Damn, sorry (but congratulaitons on being "out"! It must be a huge relief). But you may discover that she becomes a bit more understanding with time. She just found out and to a lot of people, their religious beliefs are intricately woven into their sense of being "good people", and furthermore, atheism has been stigmatized for so long that many people are instantly repelled by it. Time may resolve this. You've been the same person while being a non-believer, and you might want to remind her of that; nothing has actually changed except you're being honest with her about your beliefs-- that in and of itself is the mark of principle and truthfulness.

Good luck.

[Kiwi]

Joe. She probably does want to leave you, or at least, she thinks she does. You're both in for a rocky ride that will probably go on for quite a while but I hope you can hang in there. Some things I learned going through this include:

You have to allow her to grieve. She'll go through peaks and troughs and you have to be gracious enough to let her ride through it. This is sudden for her whereas you've been processing it for several years now. So you'll feel like you're being unjustly punished at points. You kind of have to roll with that, quietly.

Don't make this about the arguments for or against God. It's all about you and your marriage. What's on the line is how compatible you each think you are with each other. When the dust settles you both might find that there are some really good reasons for being together. For at least two years I didn't give my wife any specific detail about my reasons for leaving the faith. It was too early for her. I gently answered any questions she had, but she was not much in the space to engage in the issues at that level. Which is fine, it's not about the issues at all. It's all about the relationship. She felt hard done by, short changed. Phrases like, "I didn't sign up for this."

What KTR says about reminding her that you're still the same person is exactly right, except I'd add that it's more important to show her that you're the same person. And unfortunately that takes time. So, be gentle and patient and supportive. Don't withdraw. That's the sum of my thoughts right now.

I know you've been terrorizing yourself over this for a long time. For what it's worth, you've absolutely done the right thing. The hard thing, but the right thing. You can't pretend to love a God you don't believe in, it's not fair to either of you. Doesn't need to be the end of your marriage though! Now your challenge is how to work through the fallout with integrity. And to keep on loving your wife no matter how unreasonable you feel her reaction is at times. Hang in there friend.

[joekohr]

Thanks, KTR and Kiwi. I'm really taking your advice to heart. I'm willing to do what it takes to keep this family together. If anything I wouldn't want to tear it apart for my kids sake. I came out by writing this really long email. I tried to reassure her over and over again that I love her and that I'm not attacking her beliefs, but just trying to explain my own and how I got to where I am. Her response was to get angry that I lied to her (sort of expected that), and then to say that she's never felt that I loved her or made her feel loved, and that our marriage is a shame. I feel like I did do the right thing. What I keep telling myself was it's better to live in a marriage that has to deal with two different beliefs then one where one of us can never be honest with their beliefs. I guess we'll see how it goes over the next few weeks. I know she's still dealing with the initial shock. But, part of me felt that she would be more understanding about this. She watches the same sci-fi shows I do. Last month we saw Mythbusters live. But, I think she either doesn't pay attention to any real skeptical or antireligious ideas in any of that.

I think right now my biggest fear is that if she does leave, she'll paint me as this evil atheist to my kids. Of course we'd end up with a shared custody thing, but I wouldn't want her to pit the kids against me like that. Just so much stuff going through my mind. Thanks for the well wishes.

[Keep The Reason]

I think right now my biggest fear is that if she does leave, she'll paint me as this evil atheist to my kids. Of course we'd end up with a shared custody thing, but I wouldn't want her to pit the kids against me like that. Just so much stuff going through my mind. Thanks for the well wishes.

While I cannot even remotely guarantee how this might turn out, I can tell you that my ex wife painted me as a monster to my son for a couple of years (just in general a monster, not because of atheism). But I was clearly not this person she painted me as, nor had I ever been so, and I had been a deeply involved Dad in his life. He was 5 when our marriage ended, but by 7 he was telling her, "Don't say those things about my dad anymore. They aren't true, and he's not like you are saying he is." It is important to note that we had 51%-49% custody (don't let her take them much more than half the time).

This was because I was not like she was saying I was, and he could see that. Recently, he moved back in with me because he could no longer stand his step father who, without taking even a minute to get to know me, decided I was no good as well. Just last night I asked my kid about how things were going with his step dad and he said, "Sometimes I want to punch him-- I'm so sick of him saying things negatively about you." My kid is now 17.

So, while not knowing the age of your kids, if the marriage does end (and I think with time she will calm down, as Kiwi says this is a grief process for her) if you're a straightforward man of integrity, authenticity and principle, her words will not show to be true. I understand the fear of such a thing, but sometimes such things backfire. My kid now sees his mom as having taken an underhanded approach, and me as having taken the high road (I never said anything about her to him at all-- neither good nor bad; I just didn't talk about her to him).

Hopefully this kind of stuff helps you.

[joekohr]

That was helpful, KTR. My son will be turning 5 in July and my daughter will be 2 in Aug. I'm really glad to hear that you son was able to see you for who you were. You sound like a really good father. I'm hoping that within the next few days she'll be able to calm down and have a reasonable discussion about it all. I had really hoped it would have gone better than this.

[Kiwi]

I was thinking about this more today. From her perspective it's kind of like you've had an affair with atheism. You've been sleeping around with no god. Which is silly, but that's probably where her emotional response is coming from: a sense of betrayal. You are theoretically entitled to cry foul and claim "over reaction!" and "injustice!" ... but this is exactly where you need to sit back and allow her to rage for a bit. Don't try to defend yourself in those situations, she has a legitimate need to be angry/sad/whatever. Yeah, it'll be a hard few days, weeks, months. I feel for you Joe. If it's any encouragement at all, my wife and I have been in a similar place and come through it. So can you.

[joekohr]

Your very insightful, Kiwi. I think you hit the nail on the head. Last night my wife came by my work during my lunch break. She said that she's willing to work through the atheist issue, but what she's really upset about is how bad our marriage has become. I told her that we can start marriage counselling and I'll do what I can to make her feel loved. But, here's the part where I think your dead on, Kiwi. Last week her sister found out that her husband was cheating on her. Before my wife came to talk to me she looked through my email and found a conversation I was having with someone from Recovering from Religion. The person from RR was female. She says that she'll be ok if I want to connect with a RR group, but she insists that I don't email anyone that's not male. I can understand where she's coming from on this, so I've cut off communication with that person. Not feeling loved, I have secrets, and now email conversations ... you're right. She's feeling cheating on. Well, today, I'm feeling more optimistic about our relationship. I know that marriage is going to take a lot of work, but now I feel that she's willing to work through it with me, and that gives me hope.

[Keep The Reason]

Your very insightful, Kiwi. I think you hit the nail on the head. Last night my wife came by my work during my lunch break. She said that she's willing to work through the atheist issue, but what she's really upset about is how bad our marriage has become. I told her that we can start marriage counselling and I'll do what I can to make her feel loved. But, here's the part where I think your dead on, Kiwi. Last week her sister found out that her husband was cheating on her. Before my wife came to talk to me she looked through my email and found a conversation I was having with someone from Recovering from Religion. The person from RR was female. She says that she'll be ok if I want to connect with a RR group, but she insists that I don't email anyone that's not male. I can understand where she's coming from on this, so I've cut off communication with that person. Not feeling loved, I have secrets, and now email conversations ... you're right. She's feeling cheating on. Well, today, I'm feeling more optimistic about our relationship. I know that marriage is going to take a lot of work, but now I feel that she's willing to work through it with me, and that gives me hope.

Well, this is very encouraging! She's already said the very hting you need to hear, which is she's willing to work through the issue. What more can be expected? And it looks like the marriage has other complicaitons but none of these are insurmountable either. Most marriages fall into these communication challenges, because we tend to start taking our relationships for granted. So this may be the impetus for a more dynamic and authentic relationship, and that's great news! People with divergent beliefs remains friends, lovers and interact with one another all the time, and this is no different.

And props to her for not simply knee-jerk responding with an intransigent line-in-the-sand. She's willing to work with you on the belief split, and that's a credit to her-- hopefully you've communicated that as well. Good luck, and work hard!

[Kiwi]

That's encouraging news. Gonna be plenty of calm patches and rough patches from here on but it's nice to hear that conversation is on the table. Sounds to me like the mechanics of your unbelief can wait while you focus on the real parts of marriage. Man, having kids is utterly exhausting and can drain the life out of any relationship, let alone all the other stuff that life throws at you. For what it's worth, in terms of pure relationship stuff, my personal conviction is that the best relationships are all about liking the other person. Love is a given. Of course you love each other. Liking people can be hard work at times, especially when you're up to your elbows in nappies (or diapers as you call them...) and screaming toddlers. Might be time to go back and rediscover your sci-fi roots together! In times like this in New Zealand we say "kia kaha". (Kee-ar Car-ha). It means 'be strong', 'hang in there', 'I wish you well'.

[joekohr]

Last night my wife asked me to bring home some wine. She said that she wanted to talk. So I came home with 2 bottles of wine and we were up till 4am. It was the most open we've been with each other in a long time. What really came out of it was that she was at the end of her rope with our marriage before I decided to come out. And, coming out right now, seemed like it was the last thing that she wanted to deal with. But, in her mind, it's more of a blessing in disguise because if we didn't start talking, I don't know how much longer this marriage could have gone on. We have a lot to work through, but if last night is any sign. I think things are going to be ok.

[Keep The Reason]

Awesome.

[VickiRW]

I'm in a mixed marriage myself. It is different for me since I was an atheist before we were married. We were talking about it the other day for some reason I don't remember and he said it would have been different for him if I had come out more recently. I didn't understand why because it seemed like the end result would clearly be the same. He made a rather good point though that I think may be relevant to your situation. He said that like any couple, we have shared interests - things we like to talk about and do together. That shared history is part of the foundation of our life together. God isn't something we share. We don't pray together. But, if we had, all the time we had spent praying would be time we hadn't spent doing all of the other things we have been doing. If we had spent years praying together and then I came in one day and said that didn't matter to me anymore, that part of our shared history would no longer be part of what was supporting us AND we also wouldn't have the shared history that we HAVE been developing instead.

As for the general state of your marriage, I don't know how long this has been a secret for you, but you may have been pulling back emotionally for some time without realizing it because you knew you were hiding this from her.

If your wife is interested, I'd be happy with talk with her.

[joekohr]

I appreciate the offer to talk to my wife. I don't know how comfortable she would be talking to other atheists right now. I really don't want to push her. I think what is hard for her is the fact that when we got married it was under the impression that we would be a Christian family. Now that I've become an atheist, it's sort of like I took that away from her. I wish I had figured this out before I got married. I don't think I would have kept it to myself for two years, and if she was willing to marry me, she would have gone into the marriage with the idea that our kids will be raised in two different belief systems. Since I took away the Christian family that my wife had thought we had, I'm willing to continue to go to church each Sunday and put our kids in a Christian school. She said that if I'm willing to do that for her, she can deal with me being an atheist.

Ever since I lost my faith I've been trying to figure out how mixed marriages work out issues with faith and raising kids. How have you and your husband worked out those issues?

[VickiRW]

The biggest thing is that we aren't out to convert each other. I guess I wouldn't actually mind so much (assuming it was done respectfully) since I wouldn't mind at all if someone could convince me of the existence of God. But he doesn't want to loose his faith and I respect that.

It probably also helps that we don't have/want kids. I would have real problems with anyone teaching my children about hell. Though, my husband isn't really on board with the hell idea either. He just thinks it is a possibility, but inconsistent with the character of God, so unlikely.

What does your wife think about hell? I think fearing hell would make it much harder to deal with someone you loved being an atheist. It would also make you a significant threat to the safety of the souls of your children. You may need to work out ground rules for what you can and can't tell your children. She may not be receptive to theology from you right now, but there are Christian theologians who don't agree with the hell doctrine. It might help if she were exposed to those ideas.

Speaking of more progressive Christian theologians, how open are you to exploring a version of Christianity that you can accept? Have you read any Marcus Borg for example? Since getting married, I started going to church again and it was important to me to figure out a way that I could engage with the church honestly. I've found people like Borg very helpful in that. He wouldn't claim to be an atheist (he says he's a panentheist) but he talks about how we shouldn't take the personification of God literally. I have more of a problem with why he uses the term "God" for his god, that with his god's existence.

My husband likes that I go to church with him. Given my level participation, it doesn't seem crazy to describe me as a practicing Christian. I'm certainly culturally Christian. That probably helps make our little family seem very much like a Christian family. Our biggest issues have been in finding churches. There are a lot of churches I can't stomach going to. He doesn't care as much as I do about doctrine. He likes the music, the time to reflect on his life, and a place to let go a problems that he can't tackle. (He's a doctor and his inability to fix everyone burden's him. He feels his belief in God with its ability to "let go and let God" is necessary for his emotional well-being.) I also like the reflecting on my life bit and the conversations sermons often spur. I like having an organizational structure for facilitating charitable work and I like spending time with him. The problem is that the best church for what we each want is often not the same. The worst obstacle is the music because he likes contemporary music. For some reason, it seems to be exclusively conservative / evangelical / fundamentalist type churches that do contemporary music. Right now, I go to a UCC church. He either goes with me, or if I'm busy / don't feel like going to church for whatever reason - he goes to a conservative non-denominational church whose music he likes.

In general I don't think it is a problem for us. We are very happy and have been married almost 8 years. As general marital advice, I can't recommend the work of the Gottman Institute enough. I don't think they have anything addressing this specific issue, but they are all about how to deal with conflict and their advice is based on actual scientific research.